A recent topic trending amongst parents is the concept of gentle parenting. I have noticed that this method of raising children elicits strong opinions from most people who discuss it. For this post, I’ll explain gentle parenting as I understand it and share my opinion on the subject.

What is Gentle Parenting?

Gentle parenting is an approach in which the parent acts as a teacher and emotion coach to establish developmentally appropriate boundaries while avoiding rewards and punishments. The approach is fairly new. It originated with a popular author of parenting books, Sara Ockwell-Smith. She holds a bachelor’s degree in psychology. According to Ockwell-Smith, gentle parenting includes four components: empathy, respect, understanding, and boundaries. Gentle parenting was not created as a data-driven approach, and current research on this approach is limited. Some of the principles of gentle parenting are also found in other parent interventions.

I have noticed a difference between the original version and the more popularized version of this approach. Ockwell-Smith appears to try to address the four main components consistently. In explaining boundaries, she called herself a “strict” parent and stated, “there is no point in having boundaries if you do not consistently enforce them.” On the other hand, the popularized version reduces boundaries to simple statements of what is and isn’t allowed. As opposed to four main components, this version focuses on avoiding rewards and punishments.

The popularized approach to gentle parenting seems to receive a polarized reaction from parents. To its advocates, gentle parenting provides a kinder way to help kids develop emotional intelligence and avoid behavioral principles they consider ineffective or even immoral. Other parents actively push against gentle parenting. In some cases, detractors take a more emotional, harsh approach to their parenting in opposition.

Because I primarily see parents implementing the popularized definition, I will use that definition for this post. If you are interested in gentle parenting, I recommend using the original definition and materials by Ockwell-Smith.

Evaluation of Gentle Parenting

I evaluate the usefulness of any parenting practice by considering how it addresses helping children learn to manage their behavior and emotions. This involves three main components. First, interventions should include a foundation of acceptance, unconditional love, and emotional and physical safety. Second, kids need clear boundaries to help them differentiate between acceptable and unacceptable behavior. Third, interventions should have the child predominantly choose acceptable rather than unacceptable behavior. We will evaluate gentle parenting on how well it accomplishes these three components.

Let me include a note on treatment fidelity (i.e., how closely a treatment matches the intention). I have spent almost 30 years either following someone’s treatment plan or writing treatment plans for others. I have learned that doing what an author intended can be hard, and sometimes what is written doesn’t fit real life as well as the author intended. For child therapy at LBHC, we require parental presence and use a process of direct teaching, in-session practice, and targeted homework to teach skills. It can take multiple sessions for the parent to fully understand how to do the skill and/or adapt the skill to their situation. All this is to say, I am not aware of any efforts to account for treatment fidelity in gentle parenting. Some issues with this approach could arise from a lack of guidance on how to apply principles to an individual situation.

Foundation of Safety, Acceptance, and Unconditional Love

Any definition of gentle parenting aims to establish a foundation of safety, acceptance, and unconditional love. While the very name gentle parenting puts this foundation at the center, it does not make it the only approach that accomplishes this goal. For example, Parent-Child Interactive Therapy (PCIT) actively works on the parent-child relationship by teaching soft skills through child-directed play.

Since these components exist in many parenting systems, you have other options available that are backed by research and also address this foundation. Furthermore, I purposely use the word foundation. A foundation is extremely important, but only if you build upon it. Permissive parenting also has this foundation, but it generally doesn’t work well. This is where the next components come in.

Clear Boundaries Between Acceptable and Unacceptable Behavior

The way in which gentle parenting helps children differentiate between acceptable and unacceptable behavior is murky. With the right child, a skilled parent could teach them how to differentiate between acceptable and unacceptable behavior through modeling and direct teaching. Teaching this in a less structured way assumes a high level of both intellectual and emotional intelligence.

A parent must come up with the right way to phrase things, on the first try, while stressed and dealing with distractions. For example, imagine the window of time immediately after getting home from school and work. You are tired from work, but you need to get out dinner, feed the cat, start a load of laundry, and check in on homework. Suddenly, you also need to explain to your children the virtues of not fighting as loudly as humanly possible with enough eloquence to be featured in an episode of Mr. Roger’s Neighborhood. It simply isn’t going to happen!

Beyond everyday complexities, parents and children might have personal limitations. Parents may have depression, grief, or physical disabilities. Now let’s add in child factors such as ADHD, developmental disabilities, or trauma.

Typically, the more stressed, angry, or sad we are, the less we can problem solve using strategies that require a high level of mental energy. As such, other parenting methods which use structured methods and positive practice may be more effective for dealing with problematic behaviors. 

Increased Likelihood of Choosing Acceptable Rather than Unacceptable Behavior

The popularized version of gentle parenting is least likely to fulfill this component. Parents saying what should be done is completely different from children doing that behavior. The popular version strongly emphasizes displaying positive behavior and preventing negative behaviors. However, the “ounce of prevention is worth a pound of cure” mindset can be naive and even useless when facing habitual negative behaviors. No matter how good a parent you are or how good your child is, undesired behaviors will occur. Parents need to know how to respond to these situations, and, based on my training and experience, that requires a more structured approach.

In responding to undesired behaviors, gentle parenting ignores the reality that reinforcement and punishment play a role on all of us, whether we admit it or not. Actually, the artificial reinforcements and punishments parents create are often gentler than the natural ones children will likely face as adults. For further explanation on reinforcement and punishment, please refer to my previous blog post.

Individual Factors

Gentle parenting could meet all three criteria if executed well with the right children. This means the child and parent must fulfill certain prerequisites. Children should have the capacity to obtain a minimum level of emotional intelligence, cognitive ability, and sense of morality.  

Gentle parenting requires parents to have a level of patience and skill not everyone has. The inexpert practice of gentle parenting can easily transition to permissive parenting or even abusive parenting. In fact, some parents engage in gentle parenting practices as a trauma response. One study of gentle parenting cited parent burnout, feelings of inadequacy, and a temptation to engage in permissive parenting in many participants (Pezalla & Davidson, 2024).

Should You Try Gentle Parenting?

Some principles from gentle parenting could benefit children and parents. I would not recommend it for children with existing behavioral difficulties due to the lack of research on its use. From my review of the literature, this system seems best suited to fairly compliant children. If you have a strong preference for gentle parenting but also find your child is struggling behaviorally, this doesn’t mean you must turn into a harsh parent. You may just need guidance in applying these principles, along with a more structured approach for dealing with boundary violations.

Conclusion

Gentle parenting has many positive qualities, especially the original version. I have actively taught some of the principles found in the gentle parenting approach over multiple decades. For some children and parents, however, gentle parenting is incomplete. It is popularly misunderstood and has morphed into a less balanced approach than the author’s original intention. Further research on its effectiveness and efforts to achieve treatment fidelity are needed before I recommend gentle parenting more universally.

If you have questions about this or other topics, please feel free to contact us at any time.

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Post written by Dr. Gordon D. Lamb, Licensed Psychologist and Clinical Director

Please note posts are educational in nature and are not intended to replace psychological services when needed.

References

Pezalla, A. E., & Davidson, A. J. (2024). “Trying to remain calm…but I do reach my limit sometimes”: An exploration of the meaning of gentle parenting. PLoS ONE, 19(7), Article e0307492. doi.org