As my own children began to grow up, I learned an interesting truth. Parenting does not end when your child turns 18 and graduates from high school. For parents of adult children, a behavior contract can help with this continued parenting relationship. 

Today’s parents increasingly provide significant help to their adult children. Bank of America (2024) reported that 46% of individuals aged 18 to 27 rely on their parents for financial aid. According to the Census Bureau (2025), approximately 58.8% of individuals between the ages 18 and 34 live with parents.

Many bring up recollections of “when I was a kid” to say that this generation should be more financially independent. There is some truth to this. On the other hand, the cost of living really has outstripped what a typical young adult can earn.

Back in my day, as an undergraduate, I had a wife and one child. My $7.25/hour, 32 hours/week job paid for our expenses, including college (except a ½ tuition scholarship). Health insurance then was better than what I have now. Rent was just over $400/month. Dial-up internet was included with college fees, and cell phones were an oddity only a few people had. It was hard but possible to live independently.

Our children live in a different world than we did. My wife and I thought deeply about the assistance we would provide our adult children. One had a generous scholarship. For the remaining three, we provided various levels of financial support. We also allowed two to live at home while attending college. Despite having no major conflicts, it has not always been easy either.

The Purpose of a Behavior Contract

This post would be too long and boring if I included every what-if, so we will focus on the basics. A behavior contract is a parent-child agreement to help the adult child become more independent while receiving parental assistance.

A behavior contract should protect both parties. I have seen a lot of hurt occur when parents gave large sums of money and/or allowed adult children to live at home with no strings attached. Parents have drained retirement accounts and almost lost their home. I have seen adult children whose depression and/or anxiety worsened because they had too little incentive to work toward accomplishments. Parents should not use a behavior contract to exert unhealthy control over their children. On the other hand, do not let fear of alienation prevent you from keeping yourself safe or establishing reasonable expectations.

Another purpose of a behavior contract is to prevent codependency, or “an unhealthy devotion to a relationship at the cost of one’s personal and psychological needs” (Springer, Britt, &, Schlenker, 1998, p. 141). With co-dependence, emotional reasoning takes the place of rational reasoning, causing both individuals to suffer. 

Avoiding codependency is like helping someone who is drowning. The rescuer throws a flotation device or reaches with a pole from the safety of the shore. Jumping in is a last resort due to the likelihood of the victim pulling you down with them.  

Procedures for a Behavior Contract

Plan your behavior contract before involving your child because it is ultimately your house and your rules. You are under no obligation to provide help, and in some cases, it may be better not to allow a child to re-enter or remain at home. 

To create a behavior contract, list any items you feel need to be addressed and set terms you feel are fair. Consider having someone you trust, such as a friend or therapist, review the contract. They can help ensure it is adequately thorough, reasonable, and phrased in a way that is least likely to offend your child. Present the contract to your child. Give your child time to think about the terms before giving a response. Allow your child to negotiate on any terms you are willing to compromise, if any. Ensure that all parties sign the behavior contract and receive a copy.

Don’t be surprised if your child does not like being presented with a contract! One way to prevent this is through prediction. Namely, tell your child before graduating from high school that if they choose to remain at home, they will have to follow certain terms in exchange for assistance. Present the idea of the behavior contract to your child as a way to prevent problems and decrease tension.

A behavior contract can help families at the beginning or during a stay. For example, if your child already lives at home, you may be having problems and wonder if you should remove them from your home. Introducing a behavior contract could diminish problems or give clearer guidelines of what is required to remain at home. 

Outlining Conditions and Enforcing Boundaries

When deciding what to include in your behavior contract, consider your values. Items may be of varying levels of importance to you, but you must be willing to enforce the boundaries if crossed. Consider which items are negotiable versus mandatory. Allowing some level of negotiation may create greater buy-in from your child.  

You need a plan to enforce the conditions you set. Enforcement options range from a meeting to review the rules, a fine, reduction of privileges, reduction in services you provide, or even eviction. I warn parents that they must be willing to evict a child if it becomes necessary.

Refrain from using consequences that seem unrelated to the offense or undermine the child’s goals. For example, if you agree to give your child a ride to a job interview, and they break an unrelated rule, you should still give the ride. On the other hand, if you agree to give a ride to work if your child is ready at a set time, and they are not ready, you should follow through and not give the ride.

Specific Topics to Consider for a Behavior Contract

A behavior contract may address different things. I will discuss the most common areas. Ultimately, the contract is entirely up to you, based on your preferences for living arrangements and your child’s situation.

1. Child’s Responsibilities

This section includes responsibilities you expect your child to fulfill regardless of rent, which I will discuss in #2-3.

First, list responsibilities pertaining to living in a shared space. This could include not leaving clothes in the living room and washing one’s own dishes. Establish rules for keys, pets, and guests. Be sure to address things that have changed since the child lived at home as a minor. For example, if Monday is your day to do laundry, you may ask the child to pick a different day to wash their own clothes.

For areas in the home that are more private to the child, such as their bedroom and bathroom, you may choose to have a looser standard. This can help give some level of autonomy, and it can be worth it to pick your battles. Regardless, any expectations need to be clear. For example, instead of saying your child will keep their room “clean,” you could say that their room should be free of foul odors and food waste, and that pet accidents are cleaned immediately. 

Second, outline responsibilities intended to help your child achieve their goals. Responsibilities might include attending classes, submitting job applications, or getting to work on time. For children living at home due to mental health reasons, you may require starting or continuing psychological treatment. Keep your expectations for goal-oriented responsibilities targeted on things within the child’s control, such as going to class and completing assignments, rather than things outside of their control, like grades.

2. Financial Matters – Children with Income

For some parents, providing room and board is an almost negligible expense, but this is not always the case. Either way, charging some kind of rent can be helpful to both the parent and the child (Decarbo, 2019). It can reduce parents’ financial burden and help the child feel less guilty about staying at home.  

If you decide to charge rent, I recommend charging less than market value for the same space. The lower rent will balance out the child’s other responsibilities outlined in the contract.

If financially viable, parents can use rent payments to help the child develop money management skills. One option is placing all or part of the rent money into a savings account for the child. This account can become a nest egg or help the child save for a pre-determined expense (e.g., a car). Placing the money in a separate account removes the temptation to spend it because it is no longer accessible. So far, every time I have witnessed this, adult children have seen the benefits of saving and improved their money management. By getting a kid to manage money well, you remove most of the barriers between them and independence!

Outside of rent, you may also expect that your child remains responsible for their other expenses. These may include car payments, car insurance, cell phones, or pet expenses.

3. Financial Matters – Children without Income

You still have options even if the adult child has no income or you are uncomfortable charging rent. First, is there another way they can contribute? Outside of responsibilities mentioned in #1, adult children could agree to accomplish meaningful chores. My wife and I stayed with my mother-in-law while waiting for a house to be available. Instead of paying rent, I mowed the lawn. This chore was in no way equal to room and board, but helping in this small way made us feel better about accepting her hospitality.

Keep your expectations for your child’s contributions within the scope of their capabilities and the time of their stay. Sorry, but your full home renovation might not be in the stars if your child is only staying for the summer!

Parents may be surprised at how quickly it can add up to pay for random expenses here and there. Consider whether to give children without an income a discretionary spending allowance. If an allowance is given, I strongly recommend deciding the amount and timing in advance. This can prevent yourself from being “nickeled and dimed” into financial difficulty.

When you have a financially responsible child who is under-employed or moving in for a savings reason (e.g., saving for a downpayment on a home), I strongly suggest they lay out their savings plan with you. Tell them your expectations and what measures will be taken if the extra money starts simply becoming a larger pizza fund. While you may charge them low or no rent, you may ask them to cover their personal expenses, such as car or pet expenses.

4. Provided Items and Services

Outside of money, parents should choose whether to provide other items and services for their child. These may include cars, cell phones, internet, and household services.

Evaluate the level of risk you are able/willing to take with expensive investments, like cars. In addition to repair or replacement expenses, liabilities may arise if misused by the child (e.g., drunk driving accident). Based on these risks, you may choose to provide some items with limitations. You may allow your child to borrow a car to drive to work but not to go out with friends at night, due to a history of driving while intoxicated.

Your child may be angry about these limitations, but it is your stuff, not theirs. You need to protect your stuff to ensure your own livelihood and your ability to help in the long run. Don’t let your child’s short-term thinking cause a long-term problem!

For cell phone and internet, I have had parents express concerns about internet porn or other security issues. I am not an expert on viruses, etc., but if you share these concerns, I recommend contacting your internet provider for available options. These could include firewalls, a guest account, or setting up separate accounts.

Around the house, consider which services you will provide for your child. You may want to provide some services as a help, to keep things easier for yourself, or to protect your stuff. For example, my mother-in-law wanted to do all the laundry. You could offer some services conditionally, such as driving your child to work if they are ready on time.

I strongly recommend against becoming your child’s personal alarm clock. This prevents conflict and allows your child to learn from real-life consequences.

5. Acceptable and Unacceptable Behavior

This is a vital area to consider in your behavior contract. Many parents face a level of disagreement with their child over behavior expectations. It is okay to say which behaviors are off limits. Common behavior areas to consider include drug/alcohol use, language around grandkids, “rudeness,” and guests.

I suggest that your contract primarily addresses behaviors within the home. This way you are focusing on the behaviors that most affect you. Additionally, this is what the child would face in other living situations.

I will make a special mention of curfews, which I am generally against for adults. I prefer assigning “quiet hours,” if needed, to ensure that the house is reasonably quiet during regular sleeping times. If you choose to do this, you might not require your child to go to bed, but you may ask them to refrain from loud activities and retire to their room. Another suggestion is to have a pre-determined time to either be home or stay out.

I highly recommend including a statement against harm to others or property damage. Clearly state that these acts will result in immediate consequences such as calling law enforcement and immediate removal from the home. You may not think something like this is needed, but it is best to be clear from the start.

6. Parental Limits

Although it is ultimately your house, it may be wise to agree to a few things you either will or will not do based on the comfort levels of yourself and your child.

First, if your child has completed the required tasks/chores you have already asked for in the contract, please be judicious in requesting them to do extra chores. If you were renting the room to a stranger and asked for a favor outside of the contract, you would probably accept an occasional “no.” You need to be willing to do the same for your child.

Another significant area may be how you navigate disagreements in various views or life choices. It may be wise for both parties to agree not to comment about politics, use of time, hairstyles, etc. to ensure peace during the stay. This may help your child feel like they are being treated as an adult.

While writing this, a patient provided me with an issue I hadn’t thought of before. Namely, you and your child may have different social needs. While you may expect some family time with your adult child, it may be inappropriate to expect them to be your constant companion.

While you ultimately retain the authority over your home, wisely limiting what you ask of your child beyond the behavior contract can help ensure the stay goes well.

7. Privacy

Outline expectations for privacy on a basic level. Determine what is and is not private, considering the comfort levels of both parties and the child’s situation. Include provisions for privacy such as knocking before entering a bedroom or not requiring the child to share feelings they don’t want to share. This may include not forcing your child to provide a full account of activities done outside the home.

Prior knowledge of specific privacy expectations can reduce feelings of intrusion for areas in which you do not give privacy. Specify if and where cameras will be used. While it is generally recommended that you provide your adult child with a private space, the level of privacy should depend on the child’s situation (e.g., history of drug abuse).

8. Length of Behavior Contract

It can be helpful to propose an end to the behavior contract to emphasize that the agreement is temporary. Plan for the contract to conclude upon a certain date or when specific criteria have been met. Focusing on criteria that your child meets can help clarify the goals of the living arrangement. Use phrasing that expresses reasonable faith in your child.

While the contract is in effect, you might want to make changes. Perhaps new problems arise, or you want to address a situation you had not anticipated. Meet with your child to discuss any changes and renegotiate, if needed.

Behavior Contract: Conclusion

Allowing an adult child to live in the home can be a positive experience for both parties. I hope this overview helped you think of points to consider whether you are preparing to allow an adult child back home or seeking to improve a current living arrangement. This is not a decision to be taken lightly. Sometimes saying “no” is the right answer. Overall, a behavior contract with clearly communicated and reasonable expectations can improve the experience for both the parents and the adult child, ensuring everyone can enjoy the benefits of this special time of life.

If you need assistance discussing living arrangements with an adult child, please contact the office to schedule an appointment.

Post written by Dr. Gordon D. Lamb, Licensed Psychologist and Clinical Director

Please note posts are educational in nature and are not intended to replace psychological services when needed.

References

Bank of America (2024). Parent trap: Nearly half of adult gen zers getting financial help from mom & dad, according to BofA study. https://newsroom.bankofamerica.com/content/newsroom/press-releases/2024/07/parent-trap–nearly-half-of-adult-gen-zers-getting-financial-hel.html

Decarbo, B. (2019). Tough landlords: Many parents don’t charge rent to adult children who move home, but some experts say you should. Wallstreet Journal, May, p. 3.

Springer, C. A., Britt, T. W., &, Schlenker, B. R. (1998). Codependency: Clarifying the construct. Journal of Mental Health Counseling. 20(2), 141.158.

United States Census Bureau. (2025). Historical living arrangements of adults. https://www.census.gov/data/tables/time-series/demo/families/adults.html