I am not jesting when I say family dinner is one of my favorite times of day. I like good food, but the best part of family meals is the interactions. I love getting to catch up with everyone about their day. For me, discussing al the random topics come up is part of the fun. Topics range from complaining about a difficult assignment, cute boys, books/movies, or even grammar rules. I love the insights this gives me into each member of my family. There is also something special about being in an accepting place where everyone enjoys spending time together. Although not every meal is a Hallmark-movie-worthy example, our family meals usually are a positive experience.

Family meals are linked to many positive outcomes. Children who regularly have family meals have lower rates of obesity and eating disorders, less drug abuse, lower teen pregnancy rates, higher self-esteem, better academic performance, and better nutrition (Brown, Kay, & Thompson, 2024). Other benefits include a bigger vocabulary for preschool-aged children, better cardiovascular health among teenagers, healthier eating habits in young adults, and less dieting and lower depression risk for parents (The Family Dinner Project).

This information may not be surprising. In fact, most parents highly value family meals (Anderson & Trumbull, 2021). In terms of connecting with family members, family meals are ranked higher than any other activity. Despite this, the frequency of family meals has declined 30% in the past three decades (Anderson & Trumbull).

Note for Recommendations

One of my complaints about the literature on family meals is the lack of recommendations for getting started. Several articles were focused on data-based research, such as Dallacker, Hertwig, and Marta’s meta-analysis of the components of healthy family meals (2019). Despite this, very little information was found on how to get started. As such, I decided to make getting started the focus of this blog post. These ideas are grounded in solid psychological principles, my clinical experience, and general training rather than research.

Ideas for Getting Started with Family Meals

It is okay to start small

A large barrier to building a new habit is that the more energy required to engage in the desired behavior, the greater the motivation needed to get started. An interesting thing about motivation is a large pep-talk often works only for a short period of time. This is a big reason why New Year’s resolutions often fail quickly. Starting with small, easier-to-maintain behaviors and then working up to bigger things often works better. This is something behaviorists call shaping or chaining, depending on the task.

For family meals, this could mean starting with eating together one day per week. It could also mean starting with easy-to-prepare meals. Simply purchasing a meal and taking it home is totally fine as a start. With family meals, positive benefits can come quickly. This is likely to make the experience fairly reinforcing and make moving on to the next step easier as you are able and willing.

When doing this, I strongly recommend you to allow yourself to feel good about these small steps. Also, depending on your family situation, it may be impossible to have every family member at the same table at the same time even for one meal. If this is true, I encourage you to accept this reality and not beat yourself up for not meeting an ideal that is not possible at this time.

Plan ahead for family meals

Planning ahead of time may be one of the surest ways to make sure family meals happen. Planning could start as simply as figuring out which day/time is the best place to start. For my family growing up, milking cows and evening chores often lasted from 4 to 9 pm. Therefore, the most consistent time we could eat together was for lunch when school was not in session (e.g., weekends and summer breaks). Planning can also include having a menu and ensuring that you have the required ingredients. I also strongly recommend that each family member knows ahead of time about the family meal, which can reduce resistance.

Expect some level of resistance

Doing anything new can be uncomfortable. This can even occur between spouses/partners. As such, I recommended couples/involved adults talk about this and agree on a plan before discussing it with the kids. For the kids, there may be some initial resistance. Eating together may mean not getting to eat in their room or putting down their preferred entertainment while eating. It may also mean eating what is available rather than choosing for themselves. Finally, if gathering together in one group like this is new, the interactions can be somewhat awkward at first. Thus, the remainder of my recommendations focus on reducing resistance.

Give your rationale for family meals

Although this rarely works without doing other things, giving your rationale for having family meals is an important place to start. Explaining can let the other family members know why having family meals is important to you. Hopefully they will see how family meals can be a good thing for them to experience. Give your rationale clearly and concisely. For example, if you are presenting this plan as a couple, you could say, “Our family is important and we want to spend more quality time together.”

Be clear this is not an option

To enforce this, I recommend using a reverse Premack principle. The Premack principle uses a preferred activity to reinforce doing a less preferred activity. To do the reverse of this, make eating together as a family the best option. For example, turn off devices and put away toys. All food consumed close to mealtime must be eaten where the family is eating (e.g., the family dinner table). During family mealtimes, the child has two options: Sit and do nothing, or eat a meal with the family.

Involve the kids

Get the children’s buy-in by getting their input. This can be for what and when to eat. For my family, my wife asks everyone for their meal ideas the day before grocery day. We also get ideas for a dessert, often made by one of the kids. Involving the kids in making the food can be another way to get support and may help reduce picky eating.

It is okay if not everyone eats the same thing

For starters, allow everyone to eat what they want, but make sure everyone eats at the same time and place. In fact, this is something my family does periodically. Sometimes we have enough leftovers for a meal but there is not enough of any one food to feed the entire family. On those days we have a “leftover smorgasbord” where each person picks what they want from the available options. Thankfully, no fights have broken out over everyone wanting the same thing!

This suggestion goes against recommendations for picky eating and positive nutrition, so I suggest doing this only at the beginning. I have worked with many families who have gone for years with everyone eating whatever they wanted. In those cases, the biggest source of resistance to family meals is not liking the food options. Temporarily allowing different food choices lets the family eat together, and later, if desired, they can work toward eating the same food items during the meal.

Include reinforcement or an incentive

Although you could use traditional reinforcement for compliance, much of the reinforcement for family meals can be built into the meal without anything as sophisticated as a reward chart.

You can refer to our previous blog post on reinforcement, but simply put, reinforcement works! Adding reinforcement for a family meal may be easier than you think. First, food is a primary reinforcer. I suggest starting with foods most of your family likes. Some common preferred meals may include pizza, hamburgers, tacos, or chicken nuggets. Tastes vary, so ask your family members for input. In addition to the main dish, offer a tasty dessert at the end of the meal. A good way to increase the reinforcement value of the meal and/or dessert is to reserve these favorites for family meals.

Another way to add reinforcement to family meals is to make them into an event. One simple example I remember from my childhood was a “weenie roast.” We made a campfire, whittled long sticks to skewer hotdogs, and cooked them over the fire. Add some sides and roasted marshmallows, and you have a cheap family gathering many people will enjoy. Other ideas along this line are going on a family picnic or eating at a restaurant together.

Family meals could also be part of a larger event. One client’s family has a regular tradition of combining a family meal with a family game night. Multiple family members made positive statements about this tradition without any prompting, which impressed me.

Family Meals: Conclusion

Although it takes effort to initiate and maintain family meals, there are many benefits to doing this regularly. From personal experience and the reports of many others, I know this can be a very rewarding experience. I highly encourage each family to do what they can to make family meals a regular occurrence. If you have any questions about how to make this work for your family, feel free to contact us.

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Post written by Dr. Gordon D. Lamb, Licensed Psychologist and Clinical Director

Please note posts are educational in nature and are not intended to replace psychological services when needed.

References

Anderson, J. E., & Trumbull, D. (2021). The benefits of the family table. American College of Pediatrics. https://acpeds.org/the-benefits-of-the-family-table/

Brown, C. L, Kay, M. C., & Thompson, L. A. (2024). Eating family meals together at home. Journal of the American Medical Association. 178(5):510. doi:10.1001/jamapediatrics.2023.6669 https://jamanetwork.com/journals/jamapediatrics/fullarticle/2816155?guestAccessKey=37e5a876-ccd7-4733-86b8-7b2915cac990&utm_source=silverchair&utm_medium=email&utm_campaign=article_alert-jamapediatrics&utm_term=mostread&utm_content=olf-widget_03292024&adv=003546731412#249573015

Dallacker, M., Hertwig, R., & Mata, J. (2019). Quality matters: A meta-analysis on components of healthy family meals. Health Psychology, 38(12), 1137–1149. https://doi.org/10.1037/hea0000801

The Family Dinner Project. Benefits of family dinner. https://thefamilydinnerproject.org/about-us/benefits-of-family-dinners/