One of the goals of raising children is to increase their independence. As children gain independence, they can solve more of their own problems. For siblings, we hope they will learn to resolve conflicts between each other more independently as well.   

Children need to learn a variety of skills to resolve disagreements on their own. Rather than coming naturally, conflict resolution skills must be learned through direct teaching, modeling, and in-the-moment coaching. In this post, I will share tips for helping your children develop conflict resolution skills in each of three ways. In general, my suggestions apply to children ages five through adolescence.

My Experience Managing Conflicts

My thoughts on sibling conflict resolution have been shaped by a combination of clinical training and professional and personal life experience. As a father of five children, I have had my share of experiences navigating sibling conflicts. At younger ages, conflict resolution sometimes took the form of stating the obvious. For example, “When your baby sister screams like that, it means to stop.” At other times, conflicts added humor to family life. One time, a 4-year-old kicked her older sister. When asked about it, she said, “I didn’t do it; my foot did it.” As they got older, fights graduated to whose turn it was to clean the bathroom or arguments over the location, volume, and timing of playing musical instruments.

In some cases, the way we intervened as parents may have been worthy of parent training videos. At other times, the conflicts required complete separation of the kids with the parent dictating the terms of resolution (e.g., you sit here). I imagine our kids can cite times they feel we could have handled things better. Sometimes, I could agree with them. Given our successes and failures, even with both parents possessing training with children, I can honestly say I do not judge parents harshly for wanting help in this area.

Direct Teaching

You can directly teach your children many things to help them solve their own conflicts. First, teach and encourage your children to self-soothe. The “stop, breathe, and think” method can help remind your children to stop when they notice they feel upset, take a deep breath, and then think through their options before acting.  

Second, teach your children to use their words more effectively to express both feelings and needs. It might feel awkward at first, but “I” statements can give a good start to improved communication and build emotional vocabulary. Start with the sentence “I feel __ (feeling word) when __ (describe what upset them).” Then, clearly state what they need. For example, “I feel frustrated when you take the toy out of my hands. We need to take turns.” While “I” statements alone will not resolve every sibling conflict, they can serve as an important starting point. 

Third, teach basic problem-solving skills. Have your children consider viable solutions to their conflict. To assist them, you could brainstorm things they could do using a recent or made-up conflict as an example. After listing various options, help your children think through the likely consequences for each decision. Be prepared to hear ideas you may not like to hear from your children!

Modeling

Modeling may be one of the hardest strategies to implement consistently, yet it can have a profound impact on your child’s conflict management skills. Look at how you manage conflict yourself. This includes how you speak to your partner in front of your children and how you respond to everyday frustrations, such as a server getting your order wrong. Children watch these interactions closely and learn a great deal about resolving interpersonal conflict by seeing how you manage your own conflicts.

Today, the media serves as a major source of modeling for children. Unfortunately, many media examples do not show healthy ways to manage conflict. While effective problem solving may provide less entertainment value, repeated exposure to these unhealthy examples can give children the wrong idea about how to resolve interpersonal problems. Parents should pay attention to the content their children consume and talk with them about the differences between what they see and real life. For younger children, Clifford the Big Red Dog and Daniel Tiger’s Neighborhood were both created to model healthy emotion regulation and good communication skills for handling conflict.

In-the-Moment Coaching for Conflicts

One common problem is when children try to ask for parental help instead of resorting to physical violence, but they do not receive help when they ask. Using the strategy of in-the-moment coaching requires good judgment about when to step in and how much support to provide. I find a stoplight analogy helpful for describing the different levels of intervention, from minimal guidance at the green light level to immediate action required at the red light level.

Green Light

Green light level ranges in parental intervention from no guidance to minimal guidance. This applies when both siblings are only mildly upset and are capable of problem solving with minimal parental support. Signs that you are in the green light zone include minor friction such as bickering, whining over small irritations like sharing a toy, or slightly raised voices.

In these situations, parents can step in briefly with both children together. Gently prompt siblings to use kind words; the “Stop, breathe, and think” strategy; and “I” statements. As you intervene, continue to watch their emotional state. The interaction remains in the green light zone if both children calm down and begin talking more respectfully. Green light level conflicts can still escalate. If the conflict worsens, begin using yellow or red light strategies as needed.

For children still learning how to resolve problems independently, try to nip problems in the bud rather than taking a wait-and-see approach. This prevents small problems from escalating and provides opportunities to practice skills. It can take time to learn problem solving and communication skills for both children and parents.

Green light behavior can also include what I call “clunky negotiation,” when children are clearly trying to work things out even if their communication is not very smooth. For clunky negotiation, offer verbal praise for their efforts and encourage them to practice taking turns speaking and listening.

Yellow Light

Yellow light situations require parental intervention to prevent escalation but are still reasonably safe, and the children have maintained a level of emotional regulation. Behaviors in this category may include shouting with personal insults, play that escalates into mild physical aggression such as shoving or grabbing toys, or one child dominating the interaction and clearly hurting the other’s feelings.

For the yellow light level, focus on helping siblings calm down, express their feelings, and work through the problem without solving it for them. For cases of physical aggression, reestablish physical boundaries. Either way, parents often need to separate the children to help them calm down. The length of cool-down time varies by the child, but do not proceed until each child is reasonably calm.

Once the siblings are calm, listen to both children without taking sides or blaming them. Then, prompt them to brainstorm solutions. Stay with your children until they reach a solution and have returned to normal interactions.

Red Light

Red light scenarios pose a more imminent risk to physical or emotional safety. These behaviors include aggression with the intent to harm (hitting, throwing objects), bullying and/or intolerance (e.g., one-sided cruelty, threats of harm), and out-of-control behavior (e.g., emotional meltdowns).

Rather than mediating, the parent must take control during red light conflicts. Like yellow light scenarios, separate the children and wait for them to cool down. This step is crucial as one or both children are likely not in an emotional state for any type of reasoning. During this cool-down period, keep parental statements brief and focused on de-escalation. Once both parties are calm, then you, as the parent, can guide them to a solution.

Give consequences, such as loss of privileges, in cases of physical harm, destruction of property, or clear emotional abuse. I recommend clearly expressing that the consequences are addressing the behavior and not the emotion. You can use a phrase like “It is okay to feel __ (feeling word), but it is not okay to __ (behavior).” For example, “it is okay to feel angry, but it is not okay to bite your brother.”

Managing Conflict: Conclusion

It can be tricky to manage conflicts amongst siblings. I hope this post offered insight into several ways you can approach these situations. As you help your children learn how to resolve their own conflicts, you will give them essential life skills which will help them far beyond childhood. If you would like more support in this or other areas, please feel free to contact our office.

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Post written by Dr. Gordon D. Lamb, Licensed Psychologist and Clinical Director

Please note posts are educational in nature and are not intended to replace psychological services when needed.