Psychology is not plagued by social stigmas as much as in the past. This is mostly a positive change. One of the negative effects of this change, however, is inaccurate understanding of psychological terminology as it seeps into the general culture. One such term our culture commonly misunderstands is the concept of boundaries.   

Boundaries are vitally important in any relationship as they allow us to interact with others in productive ways. Healthy boundaries lead to healthy relationships. If we do not maintain healthy boundaries, we can become overly dependent on others, or others can become overly dependent on us. Either way the over-dependence swings, we can have trouble meeting our own needs and wants.

Defining Boundaries

The Merriam-Webster dictionary defines a boundary as “something that indicates or fixes a limit or extent.” Even if we don’t use the word boundary, we learn the concept early in our lives. For example, basic boundaries of childhood include not pulling your sister’s hair, using an inside voice, or not taking a toy away from someone.  

Boundaries are a way to set rules to protect your well-being. While boundaries are for deciding how you react to others, they should not be used to control others. Boundaries facilitate clear communication, not ultimatums. Good boundaries develop deeper trust and intimacy rather than allowing you to be selfish. They can be flexible and evolving. Setting up good boundaries is often not easy and can cause some feelings of discomfort or guilt.

Dance can help illustrate the concept of boundaries. While in college, I took ballroom dancing lessons for one semester. The class lasted long enough to know that dancing was not, and never would be, my thing. The young woman who eventually became my wife was also in the class, so I did get something out of it! One of the few things I learned about dancing is you can create something meaningful by working within a few rules (e.g., steps) that are commonly understood between individuals. In fact, the more firmly someone understands these rules, the more easily they can act flexibly with different partners.

Types of Boundaries

You can make boundaries in any area of life. Physical boundaries concern your personal space or who you allow to touch you and how they may do so. Psychological boundaries concern the sharing of thoughts and beliefs amongst individuals. Emotional boundaries refer to how much you allow others to influence or be privy to your emotions. Spiritual boundaries concern choosing, sharing, and living your religious beliefs or lack thereof. Biographical boundaries refer to the degree to which you share aspects of your life story with others. Finally, financial boundaries refer to how much you allow others to control or be privy to your financial matters.

Boundary Styles

Three boundary styles fall along a continuum from too open to too closed: porous, healthy, and rigid. Moving too far in either direction on the continuum can cause problems in one’s life.

Porous boundaries

Pop psychology talks a lot about the ills of porous boundaries. A porous boundary allows too much in or out. In terms of relationships, an individual may overshare information, do what others say too often, or form relationships indiscriminately.

Forming relationships with porous boundaries can turn out negatively. Someone with an overly porous style may get involved in the problems of others too quickly or adopt others’ opinions without sufficient discernment. Individuals with this style may do what others ask without considering if it is a good idea. They may have difficulty saying “no.” Someone with an overly porous boundary style might be too trusting. Many scam artists work this way. The cold reality is, not everyone who wants to be our friend would make a good friend.

You may have overshared at times. You may have a friend with this tendency. At my mom’s funeral, someone said we could learn all we wanted about the other siblings simply by calling Mom. For the most part, Mom’s sharing of family gossip was largely harmless. However, porous sharing tendencies can easily go badly. For example, it usually doesn’t go well when employees share pay rates without knowing why one is paid more than the other (e.g., more experience).

There are many reasons why people develop these porous tendencies. Some do it to avoid conflict or to please others. Others overgeneralize positive values to an unhealthy extent (e.g., helping someone to the point you can’t care for yourself). People in difficult situations may fall into this style either by habit or force.

Individuals with this style are prone to being taken advantage of by others. Learning to set healthy boundaries after being taken advantage of or controlled by others can feel quite liberating.

Rigid Boundaries

Overly rigid boundaries fall on the opposite end of the spectrum. A person with this style doesn’t share enough, is untrusting, says “no” too much, and may even ignore the opinions of others. Although these rigid boundaries prevent individuals from being taken advantage of, it also prevents them from getting help when needed. It can cause difficulties forming intimate relationships which require mutual trust.

People with overly rigid boundaries may be too resistant to the influence of others. Sometimes the biggest piece of advice we need is the advice we don’t want to hear. Furthermore, we can often refine or strengthen our beliefs by learning about the arguments against them. A famous example is the development of electricity during the “Current Wars” between Nikola Tesla and Thomas Edison. In psychology, there is an “Adversarial Collaboration” where two prominent researchers who disagree on a topic team up to produce results that both sides are willing to trust.

Individuals with overly rigid boundaries may be inconsiderate of the needs of others. While taking care of oneself is good, going too far can turn into selfishness. As a society, helping others is a basic factor in species survival. Additionally, focusing solely on personal interests could encourage the harm of others for personal gain (e.g., being dishonest when selling a used car).

There are many reasons someone could develop this style. I have commonly seen those who have anxiety, past trauma, or developmental issues exhibit overly rigid boundaries. Individuals who have untested values may also exhibit this style until their values become more nuanced with life experience.

Healthy Boundaries

Healthy boundaries fall in between the two extremes. Someone with a healthy boundary type trusts others within appropriate levels for the relationship. Healthy boundaries encourage listening to others’ opinions but only adopting them after careful consideration. Individuals offer help but not to the point it hurts themselves.

Finding a Balance

Healthy boundaries can vary by individual and situation. Some individuals are naturally more open or closed to others without negative effects. A healthy level of openness also depends on the nature of the relationship (e.g., a spouse versus a stranger).

In deciding if my boundaries are healthy, I would ask myself several questions. Am I being asked to do something against my morals? Are my interactions with others making me feel uncomfortable? Am I causing harm to myself or others? Is someone taking advantage of me? Am I taking advantage of others? If the answer to any of these questions is “yes,” then I need better boundaries.  

Negotiating Boundaries

Know your values and preferences

To state the obvious, it can be hard to make and enforce a boundary if you don’t know what your limit is. It is okay if your boundaries are somewhat different than others. For example, I grew up in a farming community at a time when we went years without locking a door and visiting without prior notice was a welcome surprise. My wife grew up in a community where doors were locked and making unannounced visits were considered rude.

Weigh the things that are important to you in deciding where to set boundaries. Some might consider whether they are willing to loan out their tools. Others think about how open they are with their finances. Some individuals are very free with their opinions on social topics while others are not.

Know the other person

When making boundaries, realize that differences exist. Recognizing and respecting the boundaries of others can be a great help in setting up boundaries for others. For example, just because you are very open doesn’t mean the next person should be as well. One way I have heard this is to consider the Golden Rule, “Do unto others as you would have them do unto you.” An alternative to this would be, “Do unto others as they would like you to do unto them.”

Part of knowing the other person involves considering the nature of the relationship. Depending on the relationship, boundaries might range from unacceptable (e.g., a minor child not telling a parent about a health concern) to properly rigid (e.g., an ex-romantic partner).

Safety

Boundaries regarding safety issues are highly important. No one should force you to do something that puts you in harm’s way, is likely to result in destruction of property, or could have severe legal ramifications. When confronted with safety issues, rigid boundaries are healthy boundaries.

Consider how to share a boundary

The explicitness and rigidity of a boundary depend on its importance to you and its need in a situation. Many boundaries are simply implied. It is okay to make explicit boundaries when needed, even in close relationships. For example, even married couples are encouraged to hold clear conversations about physical intimacy.

One way to consider implicit versus explicit boundaries is the extent to which you will or will not allow someone to cross a boundary. There are many instances in friendships or family relations when it may be best to make only a small comment or even ignore minor violations of a boundary. For example, you may choose to put up with your aunt bringing up that slightly embarrassing story you wish she wouldn’t mention. In cases like this, silence may be the best option!

Use effective communication

We can’t expect someone to know how we want to be treated if we don’t say what we want. Use clear language when communicating about boundaries. Explain the situation, as well as your feelings, in non-judgmental terms. Ask for what you need. It may be helpful to thank someone in advance for honoring your wishes. Depending on the person and the boundary, it may be helpful to explain your rationale. This explanation need not be long, and in some cases may be unnecessary. For example, if you decide not to accept a second date with someone, you may not need to go into detail about why you are not interested.

Enforcing Boundaries

The hardest part about boundaries is enforcing them. After the first infraction, simply restate your limit and your request. If this doesn’t work, the next step may depend on the person and the importance of the boundary. You could simply repeat the request without providing additional explanation that may lead to an argument (i.e., broken record technique). Another option is some form of ignoring. For example, if a family member brings up a political topic you disagree with, you could be quiet, change the subject, or walk away.  

The most extreme end to enforcing boundaries is limiting contact to varying degrees, up to completely cutting individuals out of one’s life. For health and safety reasons, you may need to do this after even one offense (e.g., domestic violence). Generally speaking, however, using patience and understanding can help prevent lasting damage to relationships. While I work with many young adults learning how to utilize healthy boundaries, I encourage people of all ages to be careful before cutting off friends or family members for small slights or offenses.

Conclusion

Healthy boundaries are essential for any relationship. They exist along a continuum. Having healthy boundaries requires finding a balance between the extremes of overly porous and overly rigid styles. Clear communication about boundaries can help us build better relationships. If you would like help building and maintaining healthy boundaries with others, please contact the office.

Post written by Dr. Gordon D. Lamb, Licensed Psychologist and Clinical Director

Please note posts are educational in nature and are not intended to replace psychological services when needed.