I was introduced to self-compassion quite accidentally. Psychologists are required to complete a certain number of continuing education hours. I have earned my hours many times by attending the annual convention for the Texas Psychological Association. One year, I made a last-minute decision to drop in on a self-compassion workshop by Kristen Neff, Ph.D., a professor from The University of Texas. She was one of the first to study self-compassion.

By the title of the workshop, I did not expect to learn anything valuable. I anticipated an introduction to yet another form of “feel-good” therapy that simply tells you to think well about yourself to get better. Besides, as a loyal Aggie, I had to be suspicious of anything produced by a Longhorn! Nevertheless, the general theory actually made sense to me. This led me to review the materials on her website. Seeing the potential benefits, I purchased and read through the available books on this topic. I started applying this approach in my clinical practice and began to see many positive results.

Self-Compassion Basics

Self-compassion is a way of viewing and approaching life. It is not meant to reduce pain; rather, self-compassion is used to get through pain. There are three components to self-compassion: mindfulness, common humanity, and self-kindness. Using these aspects of self-compassion can help with emotional healing, making lasting behavioral changes, and building and maintaining healthy boundaries with others.

Mindfulness

I began to take self-compassion more seriously during the workshop when I heard about the mindfulness component. Mindfulness entails an awareness and acceptance of our thoughts, emotions, and body sensations without fighting against them. For example, pain is a physical sensation. Suffering occurs when we fight against pain. Self-compassion encourages an attitude of self-kindness as we feel this pain.

A key part of mindfulness is the concept of nonjudgmental self-awareness. The mindful awareness and acceptance mentioned above include accepting the pleasant and unpleasant aspects of ourselves. This includes the positives and negatives in our past and our honest strengths and weaknesses.

In practice, I have seen some individuals who have great difficulty finding positives about themselves. Other individuals have a hard time facing negatives about themselves. Learning how to be aware of and accept both positives and negatives is powerful. This is key for building a true sense of self-worth. It helps us come to terms with difficult parts of our past, accept limitations, and admit to ourselves areas in need of improvement.

Common Humanity

Practicing common humanity requires understanding two realities. First, suffering is part of being human. Second, we all have imperfections. Although these facts are easy to say, they are not always easy to accept.

Let’s look at the first reality: suffering is part of being human. This means no one is alone in suffering. It is almost impossible to be the only person who has gone through what you are going through. You may be unique in how you experience your challenge or the combinations of difficulties you face. It is also impossible for anyone to know exactly how you feel. Despite all this, because suffering is part of being human, others can have some idea of what you are going through. This is true even if you have experienced traumatic invalidation of your thoughts and feelings in the past.

In the middle of suffering, there can be a loud voice in our heads saying we are alone. In some cases, feeling alone can become a form of pride, convincing ourselves that we are suffering more than others. Listening to that voice and dwelling on our perceived aloneness keeps us stuck in suffering. Accepting that we are not alone in suffering means allowing ourselves to connect with others, which can help us get through our situation.  

The second reality is that we all have imperfections. People react differently when facing their challenges. On one hand, individuals may be overly aware of their imperfections. This causes them to feel alone because they feel more flawed than others. On the other hand, individuals build strong defenses against accepting their weaknesses. If we accept the reality that everyone has imperfections, it can feel more acceptable to acknowledge our own struggles. Practicing self-compassion allows us to view ourselves with the most realistic, impartial perspective.

Self-Kindness

Self-kindness is the glue that holds everything together. Many people say that being kind to ourselves will make us weak or less likely to make positive change. The opposite is actually true. Being kind to ourselves makes change more likely. One logical explanation for this is that beating ourselves up is simply a waste of time. It takes away time from more productive actions, such as non-judgmentally considering obstacles and devising an actionable plan for success.  

Many individuals find it easier to be kind to others than to themselves. For this reason, a helpful exercise is transferring the kindness we have toward others to ourselves. With self-kindness, we can promote a better relationship with ourselves and find healing from within.

Self-Compassion: Illustrative Example

Imagine a man who is trying to quit smoking. With mindfulness, he nonjudgmentally acknowledges he needs to quit. He also understands that smoking does not make him a horrible, rotten person. It is an unhealthy habit he needs to overcome. Common humanity comes into play when he realizes that lots of people struggle with smoking or addictions in general. Because he’s not alone, he does not have to figure out how to quit on his own. He can find programs and assistance for people who share his struggles. The more harshly he treats himself after a relapse, the more likely he will have another cigarette again or give up altogether on quitting smoking. On the other hand, if he practices self-kindness, he will be more successful at quitting. By approaching smoking with self-compassion, this person is well-equipped to get through the process of quitting more successfully.

Self-Compassion: Conclusion

Self-compassion is a powerful framework for promoting healing and positive change. Practicing self-compassion is not always easy. In fact, some individuals even report feeling a temporary increase in pain in the early stages. Over time, practicing self-compassion can decrease our suffering as it helps us get through it.

I was skeptical of self-compassion at first, but it is not just “feel good” therapy. Self-compassion is accepting our difficulties with kindness to ourselves. It is realizing we are not alone and accepting help. It is seeing ourselves with an accurate perspective to bring about positive change.

And it actually works.  

For help incorporating self-compassion into your life, please contact the office to schedule a therapy appointment.

For more information on self-compassion, please go to this site.

Post written by Dr. Gordon D. Lamb, Licensed Psychologist and Clinical Director

Please note posts are educational in nature and are not intended to replace psychological services when needed.